Recovering from a break up
The pain and trauma of relationship loss
We’ve all been there - either we’ve ended a romantic relationship, or we’ve been on the receiving end of a break up. Maybe the decision to end things was mutual, Whatever the circumstances, a breakup can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences we go through. It can leave us feeling lost, confused, and overwhelmed by the emotions that come with it. The end of a relationship can cause us to experience depression, anger, and fear. While it is normal to feel these emotions, it is important to remember that healing from the ending of an important relationship takes time. Your attachment system experiences an injury and needs time to process and integrate the loss.
Many people are surprised to learn that the ending of a romantic relationship can generate symptoms similar to those seen in cases of trauma. According to research by psychologist Lisa Diamond, "romantic breakups can be as distressing as traumatic events, such as the death of a loved one or a physical assault."
Symptoms of a trauma-like response to the end of a relationship can include intrusive thoughts and memories of the relationship, avoidance of reminders of the relationship, emotional numbing or detachment, heightened anxiety or arousal, and difficulty sleeping or concentrating. These symptoms can have a significant impact on a person's daily life and functioning.
As clinical psychologist Suzanne Lachmann explains, "The end of a relationship can have a profound impact on a person's sense of self and their ability to trust others. It can shake one's belief in love, and lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression."
Getting support for your grief
It is important for individuals experiencing these symptoms to seek support from mental health professionals, as well as from friends and family. The first step in recovering from such a loss is to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself the space to mourn the end of the relationship and understand that this is a normal part of the healing process. It is also helpful to reach out; talk with friends or family members who you trust or find support groups online if needed. This will help you build connections with people who have gone through similar experiences as well as provide emotional validation for your feelings.
In addition, consider seeking professional help from a psychotherapist who specializes in relationships in order to gain more insight into why the relationship ended and how you can learn from it going forward. Therapy can also help you work through any underlying issues that may have contributed to the breakup and provide strategies for coping with depression and improving self-esteem after such an emotional loss.
Some therapists even suggest writing down positive affirmations or phrases about yourself in order to build confidence during this time of transition into being single again. These affirmations can range from simple statements such as “I am enough” or “I have value” up to more complex ones like “I am capable of creating meaningful relationships” or “My worth does not depend on my relationships status”—all tailored specifically towards helping rebuild self-confidence after going through heartbreak.
Healing from relationship loss
All relationships have something to offer us, even if they end. Recovering from a breakup, while difficult, can help us gain insight into what we want in a partner, the skills we might need to navigate relationship challenges more effectively and the communication styles we can hone in order to express our relational needs and wants in relationship with greater confidence.
…Learn more about our approach to PTSD and trauma here.
References:
Diamond, L. M. (2003). What does sexual orientation orient? A biobehavioral model distinguishing romantic love and sexual desire. Psychological Review, 110(1), 173–192.
Lachmann, S. (2018, February 13). 7 signs you're experiencing something more than just heartbreak. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201802/7-signs-you-re-experiencing-something-more-just-heartbreak